dichoso aficionado

i’m simmering to a boil.

little thought bubbles are piercing the surface of all senses and i don’t know if i can type fast enough for this. how is it that it’s so easy to push aside the parts (arts?) of life that feed hard-working passion? sometimes i can’t dance hard enough to get out the aggression of pushing it all aside. i just lose my breath. there’s always something. and this evening i’m thinking the something was fear. straight up. and what weak fears they are. breaking down walls i’ve built for myself, in essence, can be the easiest thing i’ve ever done. cause in cases like this, the only person you’ve really hurt along the way is yourself, right?

i’ve been thinking about design. why it is so much that i love it and can’t seem to compromise for anything less than how i dream for it to be. and how for the past 3 years, give or take 5-7 projects a year, it’s been just that, dreams. i’ve rested, baked, fried, sauced up my creative impulses to the point where they’re ready to flow again. i want to create costumes without limitation or fear of what people might want. just create because you know that they need it. they need to know that you aren’t afraid of anything. anything includes yourself.

the majority of my experiences in the career road have been fruitful to an extent in industry knowledge. much of what i got out of it was a distaste for those who want to be a part of it. even during school i detested hearing opinions of girls who began the year with “hello, i’m ______. I’m in my 3rd year of school, first year in this program. I switched to clothing & textiles because I really love shopping and fashion just, like, really intrigues me.”

i’m at this point where a good paying 9-5 kills it in comparisson to treading deeper into shallow waters. because when it’s 5 o’clock, it’s my time and i don’t need to waste two damn shits about my job well done as long as it pays my bills, pays for my fun, allows me to save.

NOTE: no need to dwell on the past 6 months of joyus vacation style bliss. a jobless summer in vancouver is all i could have asked for.
2007 topped 2006 in some far-fetched-but-i-swear-to-fucking-god ways (like chumming with the sweet, adorable and talented JCM [of Hedwig fame, ahem] c/o slinkster Tabs and her magic powers. not to mention, countless guestlists for reasons that are still unknown to me. free for eme was slogan of the year or something…. or the countless ‘Left Eye’ moments that didn’t get me fired from in-lovedom long before I even paid tribute to Ms. Lopez for Halloween ‘07).

so yeah, back to business, i believe there are people who desire more than just a quick buck, and even more than simply design aesthetic [at any cost]. and when the opportunity presents itself for our paths to cross then we can communicate and learn from one another with an understanding that our professional roads lead us back to each other. no matter how unprofessional mine looks, i still know what’s down. i’m just working on a way to make it visible and tangible like Marc Jacobs can do all by himself, for his love/hate and total inspiration from reality, the environment he’s created from his insides out and the ones that have been created for & by the rest of us. i know he’s not the only one, but his aesthetic has been on my mind a lot lately.

i think i’m just rambling now… haute blue blood. i’m so chic. chi-chi. the neighbors are finally asleep. out cold from squealing drunk i swear just 15 mins ago. i’m going to use this window of silence to fall asleep.